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 Power Tools : Grief And Loss
Grandparents
Raising Grandchildren And Grief:
by Ron Huxley, LMFT
"Excess of grief for the dead is madness; for it is an injury to the living, and the dead
know it not."
-- Xenophon
Another nontraditional family that share feelings of loss are grandparents responsible for the raising of their
grandchildren. Grandparents feel grief due to the fact that just when they are ready to retire and enjoy the "finer
things" of life, they are faced with the responsibilities of caring for their grandchildren. Many grandparents
feel they have failed as parents due to the fact that their own children are unable or unwilling to care for their
own children. And grandparents, like single parents, may have less resources both emotionally and physically, to
go through the act of re-parenting. Not only are they older and have less energy to take care of the needs of the
children but they are also given less financial compensation and legal power to make decisions.
In some situations, grief actually keeps grandparents from taking the necessary legal measures to ensure the
safety and well-being of their grandchildren. Because of their own remorse and hope that their child (the biological
parent) will become more responsible and care for the grandchildren, they often fail to take certain legal measures
that will ensure the grandchild's safety and well-being. Errant and irresponsible parents can take their children
away from grandparents at any time, unless the grandparents have some legal right to make decisions in the lives
of their grandchildren.
Grandchildren must also deal with feelings of grief. These children mourn the loss of their parents and may
"act out" their pain in an aggressive and revengeful manner. Children tend to treat the world around
them in the same manner they perceive they have been treated. Therefore, a grieving child may want to hurt self,
others or property as an expression of their own pain. If professional help is not enlisted, these children may
end up suffering major depression. Many children, in this situation, already experience depression, but it may
go unnoticed due to the fact that depression, in children, may look different than depression does in adults.
Adults, who are depressed, may want to sleep, have little energy and eat, single-handedly, a whole quart of
Haagen-Daz Ice Cream. In contrast, depressed children may wet the bed, have trouble concentrating in school, get
into fights, refuse to cooperate, complain of headaches and stomach aches or have other symptoms not commonly understood,
by adults, as depression. Grandparents will need the advice of a child counselor to determine if their grandchild
is truly depressed and what is the best recourse for dealing with it.
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