There are lot of myths in our society about how to control anger and aggression. The biggest myth is that “if you let it out, it goes away!” This is called the “volcano myth” because on the venting that occurs and the destruction that results from just letting it all out.

It is true that when you let off a little steam you feel a little better. But where did the problem go? Is it gone? NO. In fact, letting it out may have caused a bigger problem to develop. If you got mad and stormed off in your car you may have gotten into an accident or received a ticket. Now you have something else to be mad about. If you punched a hole in the wall you will have to repair the wall…and maybe your hand. How did that help you? If you threw a tantrum and yelled at a loved one, friend, or boss what did that do to your relationship? Now both of you are angry and looking for revenge! “Letting it out” may feel good in the short-term but it doesn’t help you in the long-term.

Is there a volcano in your home? Let Ron help by setting up an online consult today!

Nothing describes parenting better than stress! As far as I can tell, there are no stress-free ages or stages in raising children. Oh, some might be a little less challenging but they all have their ups and downs. Experts tell us that some stress, in moderate doses, actually increases performance. It is supposed to keep us sharp and ready for action. Too much stress and it will destroy our health and relationships.

Stress is defined as any physical or emotional demand that you feel unable to handle. These demands encompass all of the little hassles you experience every day, from the moment you try to get children up for school to the moment you finally get them to bed, at night. What makes daily hassles so dangerous is that they are too often considered trivial. Simply because they do occur every day, we disregard just how serious they can be to our overall wellbeing. Over time, these hassles of modern parenting add up, building in pressure, until we have an explosion of anger and frustration. In the aftermath, our family members stare at us in bewilderment or retaliate in defense.

In contrast, we take more seriously life’s major hassles. The big three are major illness, death, or a divorce. No one questions us when we react strangely when these hassles rear their ugly head. We even get lots of sympathy cards and support in our time of need. But what happens when a major hassle is a cause of celebration or even desired. For example, when we get married, move to a bigger house, get a promotion, or have a baby, these are all joyous events, right? Yes, but they are also stressful!

Remember our definition: Stress is any demand you feel unable to manage. Can a marriage or new home be difficult to manage? Of course it can. If you do not have the management skills needed to cope with a particular problem and/or you are experiencing so many demands that no amount of skills are adequate to prevent you from being weighed down, you will experience stress. To help you better manage stress or prevent it altogether, here are six steps to stress-free (well, almost) parenting.

Managing Stress Skill #1: Be aware of stress.

Sounds obvious don’t it? You would be surprised at the number of parents who are unable to recognize the early warning signs of stress. For some parents, these signs include feeling over tired, irritable, or restless. For others, they observe family members attack or withdraw from others more quickly. Make a list, as a family, of how each person feels when under a lot of stress. Use recent examples to clearly identify the early warning signs. Have members describe what was going on in their body when under stress. Talk about how devastating stress can be on us physically and emotionally. Post this list on the refrigerator and remind each other of the telltale symptoms rather than blow up at one another.

Managing Stress Skill #2: Take a time out.

Don’t stop with just labeling your stressful feeling. Take some action. When recognizing stressful symptoms, announce: “I am going to take a time out.” Time out allows family members to cool down when over heated. It also prevents family members from saying or doing things, when stressed, that they may later regret. Of course, your family members might not like you taking a time out and follow you into the time out room. Politely ask them for a specific number of minutes and reassure them that you will come back out to discuss the situation that is causing you stress. If that doesn’t work, lock the door and tell you will be out soon!

Managing Stress Skill #3: Create a self-care plan.

You knew I was going to mention this one, didn’t you. If you are guilty of putting other family members first all of the time and neglecting yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, then you need a self-care plan. Make sure to eat a balanced diet, get plenty of sleep, and exercise two to three times a week. In addition, meditate, pray, or spend time in a relaxing activity every day, even if it is for just a few minutes at a time.

Managing Stress Skill #4: Buy a time management planner.

You wouldn’t run a company or start a complex project without making plans and prioritizing your time.
So don’t run a home that way. Of course, we’re not talking obsessive-compulsive behavior here. Just learn to use some simple time management principles. Go to your local stationary or office supply store and buy a basic time management planner. It has priority lists, contact names, project planners, calendars, and to do list already for you to better manage your life.

Managing Stress Skill #5: Solve problems together.

As parents, we think we have to have all the answers. Well, we don’t. Trying to act like you do will increase stress for you and the kids. Helping to solve family problems increases your child’s sense of ownership for the problem. Set up a regular time each week to talk about problems family members are experiencing and come up with working solutions. Set ground rules for the meeting, with basic courtesies being considered and allow everyone to contribute, no matter how ridiculous or self-serving the suggestion. And remember, while a family is indeed a democratic organization, the parents have veto power! Use it wisely.

Managing Stress Skill #6: Find support.

Find other adults, preferably parents, who will validate your feelings and support you when need it. They could be a relative who baby-sits for a couple of hours or close friends to sit who sit and have coffee together while the kids are in school. If you don’t have a close friend or relative, join a group or enroll in a class. Start browsing in the phone book under social services or recreation or crazed-parents (just kidding). It doesn’t even have to be parenting related. Just socialize and develop a strong social support network. This network will be there for you when the stress gets out of control. Or, when your child does.

These aren’t the only ways to minimize stress in your life. They won’t make your life stress-free. Expert’s claim that living stress- free isn’t be good for us anyway (although I would like to try it for a while). The reality is it isn’t gonna happen! So, pick one skill and start managing you and your families stress.

The first two years of life are the most important time for children, emotionally and developmentally. It is during this time that children form attachments with parents or caregivers. Attachment is a special tie between parent and child, laying the foundation for all of a child’s future relationships and behaviors. A strong foundation will provide a stable base for healthy, productive relationships and behaviors. A weak foundation leads to broken children with unhealthy relationships and difficult behaviors.

A child’s first year of life is centered on getting needs met. To his or her parents, the infant commands: “I am wet, fix it. I am hungry, fix it. I am uncomfortable, fix it. And if you don’t, I will let the entire universe know my dissatisfaction.” At this age, this is a perfectly normal behavior from an infant. Physically speaking, the infant is a helpless and powerless creature, making it totally dependent on its parents to meet his or her needs. Crying for help or screaming in rage is a necessary survival trait, and perhaps the only one available, for the infant. Developmentally speaking, the infant is taking in the responses to his or her cries for help and deciding if the world is a trustworthy place or not. Parents who are able to meet (at least, most of) the child’s needs will install a sense of security that will carry over to other relationships and tasks throughout life. Secure children are more confident, successful, and popular at home and school.

Within the first week, most parents are able to clearly interpret the cries of their child. When the infant needs its diaper changed, many parents understand and immediately respond. To the rest of us it just sounds like “Waaah!” This is one reason that children who have undergone multiple foster care placements, during the first year of life, are so disturbed. New caregivers who haven’t mastered the subtle language of the child, may inadvertently cause the child to feel insecure about the worlds ability to meet its needs. This message translates into a deep seated feeling of anger and resentment toward the world and everything in it.

The most successful foster parents are able to analyze the infants language by intently studying his or her eye movements, facial expressions, movements, and vocal tones along with a experimental trial and error of needs. They have a mental checklist of infant needs: Is the child hungry? Try a bottle. Not hungry. Better try the diaper. No? Check to see if he needs some snuggling. That did it! In this way, foster parents are able to quickly break the baby code of communication. But, even this effort, often leaves children feeling anxious and angry. Many older children don’t know why they feel so anxious and angry. They just do.

Another way of looking at the first year of life would be as a time for ENTHRONING the infant on the seat of personal mastery and emotional control. In contrast, the second year of life could be described as a time for DETHRONING the infant through consistent limit setting by the parent. Limits teach the child how to be an independent human being, following rules rather than making them. For example, a now mobile, free wheeling two-year-old wants to touch the knobs on the television and is told “no” by the parent. If the child obeys, the parent rewards the child with a hug, smile, and a cheerful voice. If the child doesn’t obey, the child is removed from the situation or the television is removed as an object of temptation. The television is not returned regardless of how “royal” a tantrum the child performs. This is how limits are taught.

Many toddlers are able to wear their parents down with their stubborn persistence. They go back to the television over and over again ignoring mom’s commands. Who is in control, after all? Mom? Not in the child’s mind. Children who haven’t bonded during the first year of life, will test a parents limits to the point of exhaustion. These tests are uncomfortable (for parents) but necessary ways (for children) to determine who and what is trustworthy. The toddler doesn’t have the internal security that comes from having their needs met early on in life and, therefore, are unwilling to leave the situation to chance. They will continue to test the parent to see if they mean what they say.

Parents fail this test when they allow the child to get away with inappropriate behavior or inconsistent set limits. Unfortunately, children fail too, as they are not taught the skills they need for life. Children can be taught these things later in life but it is a much harder lesson, for parent and child.

“Job Description” is a parenting tool that ensures that children understand what is expected of them when performing a chore or job at home. Just as in the office, parents can write out a “job description” that details what is expected of a each person in the home. This reduces power struggles and conflicts because the parents are taken out of the role as “dictator”. Consequences are given for not following the job description, not because parents are the bad guy.

When it comes to older children, parents must be sure not to be condescending when they write out the description. The descriptions may need to be updated over time as responsibilities change in the family circumstances. Include older children in the writing process to increase personal responsibility. Fewer items with more detailed instruction/steps may be necessary for younger children. A job description is about teaching, not punishment. Take time to go through the steps and reward all effort and end results. Lastly, be very specific when writing the job description. Be clear about who, what, when, where and how a job is to be done.

Share your thoughts on this parenting tool by tweeting us @ronhuxley or leaving a comment below!

Did you know that 30% of American elementary school children bullies their classmates. That might not disturb you if your child is in the safe 70% but if your child has been the victim of a schoolyard bully or has harassed children himself, it can be very unsettling. To make matters worse, most schools do little to stop a bully’s behavior or adopt rigid zero-tolerance policies that do not address individual issues.

Research from the National Institute of Child Health and Development found that a bullies behavior is often considered a “rite of passage” and therefore not worth preventing. Teachers may rationalize that all children pester or tease one another from time to time. For 70% of grade schools boys and girls, this is true. This portion of academia’s population will typically respond to a less intensive intervention. Maintaining line of sight supervision without direct interference allows children to negotiate conflicts independently. If things get heated (voices raised or a toy waved overhead) that signals the need for a teacher to move in and guide the children toward a cooler resolution. Unfortunately, the remaining 30% go beyond the politics of the playground and seriously intimidate and threaten other children in defiance of normal adult interventions. If not deterred, these children are headed down a road filled with emotional disturbances, academic failures, substance abuse, and criminal activity.

These serious social offenders require more intensive and insightful approaches that address the roots of the bully’s problems and not simply confront the behavior itself. Hidden from casual view, bullies often suffer from depression, low self-esteem, and poor social skills. If identified early, these issues can be managed inexpensively and with minimal effort compared to the costly approaches of law enforcement and rehabilitation centers. Programs in Norway and Great Britain that have addressed these issues have successfully reduced bullying by as much as fifty percent.

In an effort to develop this type of intervention in American schools, the Department of Justice and the Department of Education has developed a curriculum on “Conflict Resolution Education: A guide to Implementing Programs in Schools, Youth Serving Organizations, and Community and Juvenile Justice Settings.” This online document explores the origins of conflict and the most effective models for its resolution. The vision of the curriculum appears to be focused on creating Peaceable Classrooms that teach youth to “take responsibility for their actions and develop a sense of connectedness to others and their environment.”

The document correctly targets poor social skills as the primary motivation for bully’s actions. While name-calling and threats don’t appear to be a way to make friends, studies show that most bullies feel inadequate around others and overcompensate to gain a sense of relationship. This irrational view on relatedness manifests itself in both boys and girls. The difference is that boys tend to bully others boys with physical aggression while girls attack boys and girls with the more subtle strategy of rumors and ostracism. For either gender, the Peaceable School Approach aims to teach more creative solutions to building a social network and resolve conflicts peacefully. This is done from a systems perspective, simultaneously implementing peer mediation, administrator training, parent education, and classroom management.

Some of the principles necessary for a peaceable classroom include:

1. Separate people from the problem to avoid taking conflicts personally and justifying physical attacks. Bullies often view themselves as victims at the hands of society, in general, justifying their aggressive acts on their classmates. They may come from difficult living environments where resources (time, money, and property) are limited and appropriate role modeling is rare. Many of the adults they look up to act aggressively toward one another illustrating and emphasize a natural social pecking order.

2. Focus on interests, not positions to more effectively solve a problem. People resist giving up their positions, which are grounded in personal values and cultural principles. People will be more willing to adjust interests that have less “permanence” than a principle. Look for and point out the underlying motivations behind a bully’s behavior. Anger is rarely a lone emotion. Hurt, loss, fear, or anxieties usually drive it. Address the bully’s needs for power or control over his life. Speak to his desire to make friends and offer alternative solutions to negotiating play with others.

3. Invent options that allow both parties to feel they have gained something from the conflict. Find a win/win solution or wait until one can present itself. Open up discussion where brainstorming can take place without the pressure of having to make an immediate decision. If a decision can’t be made, peer mediators can be trained and used to make a bully accountable for his acts through the social group he (secretly) fears the most. Adults can also set up a reflective team where the bully and victim listen to two adults discuss various ways to resolve a conflict without having to raise their defenses through direct confrontation.

4. Teach children to fight fairly so that the bully does not have the upper hand and learns more effective ways of getting his needs met. Using “I” messages instead of “You” messages will assist bullies and their victims in taking more responsibility for their needs and request them in a less aggressive manner. Encourage humor and “thinking out of the box” to create more flexible solutions and behaviors. Adopt an environment where “words, instead of fists” are used to negotiate problems and set up ground rules for making this safe.

While American schools have been at the end of the line in dealing with grade school bullies, their time may finally be coming. It is time to let the classroom know that there are other ways to manage conflict and solve social issues. This must also be carried into the homes and society if it is to be a permanent fix. Parents may need to be more involved in these issues regardless of whether their child is in the safe 70% or their child is in the bullying 30% category. It is time to add Resolution to the three R’s of Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic.

clipped from www.childwelfare.gov During the teenage years, youth form an identity that is separate from their parents. They also learn and practice adult life skills. Adoption adds complexity to the normal developmental tasks of teenagers, even for those who were adopted as newborns. Adopted teens have varying degrees of knowledge about and contact with birth family members. These factors, as well as their perception and understanding of their adoptive history, influence their development and experiences. Adoptive parents can best help their teens by understanding these issues and being aware of how adoption and related experiences might affect their youth. Table of Contents 1 – Understanding teenage development and the impact of adoption 2 – Communicating with your teenager about adoption 3 – Helping your teenager communicate with others about adoption 4 – Disciplining effectively 5 – Preparing your teenager for adulthood 6 – Seeking help for mental health concerns

Learn more about Ron Huxley and contact him about a personal consult or speaking engagement at your business/organization. Click the “about” link!

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One of the hallmarks of emotionally intelligent people is their ability to listen deeply to others. This is extremely important for parents who want to build families with strong empathy skills and keep communication channels open throughout each developmental age and stage.

Here’s a little self-evaluation exercise to help you pin down just how good you are at listening. Rate yourself, on a scale of 1-5, on each statement:

1. I enjoy listening to people talk.

2. I encourage other people to talk.

3. I listen, even when I do not particularly like the person talking.

4. The sex of the person talk-ing makes no difference in how well I
listen.

5. I listen equally well to a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

6. I put away what I am doing while someone is talking.

7. I look at the person talk-ing.

8. I ignore distractions while listening to a person talk.

9. I smile, nod my head, and otherwise encourage the person to talk.

10. I concentrate on what the person is saying.

11. I try to understand what the person means.

12. I seek to understand why the person is saying it.

13. I never interrupt the per-son talking.

14. If the person hesitates, I encourage him/her to con-tinue.

15. I restate what the person has said and ask if I got it right

16. I withhold all judgments about the person’s idea or message until I have heard all the person has to say about it.

17. I listen regardless of the person’s tone of voice, at-titude, or
choice of words.

18. I don’t anticipate what the person is going to say-just listen.

19. I ask questions to get ideas explained more fully.

20. I ask for clarification of words I do not understand in their
context.

Add Up the Point Value of Your Ratings and Score yourself as follows:

86 – 100 You’re all ears.
71- 85 You’re a pretty good listener.
56 -70 You’re missing a lot.
55 and under – It might be a good idea to have your ears checked.

Active listening skills are a must for building strong relationships. One of the lost skills of parents is their ability to engage (not entertain) their children. More cooperation would be gained if parent more successfully engaged their children. Modeling these behaviors teaches children how to use them in their own lives, at school and on the playground. It will allow them to negotiate conflicts with others and help them to be more of a leader and not simply a follower.

Share your score by clicking the comment link!

SOURCE: http://deonbinneman.wordpress.com/

Where do you feel anger in your body?

Have you ever noticed what kinds of sensations anger causes in your body? Do you suffer physically as a result of getting angry? Many people experience visceral sensations of heat, cold, numbness, tingling, and even pain as a result of being angry. When someone gets angry, people will comment: “His blood was boiling”, “Her face turned beat red!”, or “He nearly split a gut.” Anger has a physical and emotional component to it. Becoming aware of how anger affects us physically may provide us with clues to the source of our anger.

Family Anger Action Plan: List the areas of your body that have a physical manifestation of anger. If you have difficulty identifying any areas, ask those closest to you for feedback. What might these areas symbolize to you about the nature of your anger? For example, the head is the seat of thoughts and plans. The shoulders can carry the weight of the world. Your legs are designed to run from danger or leap into action. Your arms and hands reach out to embrace or cling. Your back or spine keeps you steady. Your feet keep you grounded. Play with various bodily metaphors and see if it provides any insight into your anger.

It has been said that if you put a frog into a boiling
pot of water that he will immediately jump out. Smart frog! But if
you put him into a regular pot of water and slowly heat it up to
boiling he will never get out. Not so smart! This story has a lot of
implications for dealing with anger. We can let frustrations and
irritations build up over time until they are boiling around us
emotionally and behaviorally. If we fail to deal with problems when
they first start heating up, at some point we will no longer have any
control over them. It is easy to go through life denying issues that
bother us. Maybe the timing is not right to jump out of the pot or
maybe the issues are “just life” and have to be weathered.
What if the water keeps getting hotter? There really are only two
choices. Stay in or get out…

Family Anger Action Plan: Write down a list of the “issues” in your life
that are heating up and warning you of a need to change. Remember
that change isn’t justing about leaving a job or a relationship. It
is easier to make changes in life when the problems are small. It is
much harder to improve them when they are boiling over! Circle the
one issue that is the hottest problem in your life today. Next, write
down as many ideas that you can use to improve or jump out of
problems way. Can you change your thinking, attitude, situation, or
something else? What does “jumping out of the pot” mean to you for
this number one issue? What consequences, positive and negative
will “jumping out” mean for your life. Consult with a trusted friend
or qualified professional to help you make sense of your life before
you become a boiling frog.