Ron Huxley's ParentingToolbox.com

What to do about bullying and teasing in schools?

Ron Huxley — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 13:52:47 +0000

Remember the school yard sing song “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” According to experts on child development this is not exactly true.

Teasing, taunting and bullying inflicts serious harm emotionally to our children. This is what the media is claiming caused the Littleton, Colorado school shooting.

Experts say that children who are targets of verbal insults, or who are rejected by peers, have trouble coping with anger and are more likely to act out than other children. Experts also say that the children who initiate the bullying and teasing are often as troubled as the children who are picked on. Both the offender and the victim are likely to be sad and lonely, to have behavioral problems and to show signs of nervousness and anxiety. Advice to parents is not to take teasing and threats lightly. Quite often school personnel are in denial that it even exists and will give it a brush off.

Submissive or lonely children may be an easy mark but at times any child may become a target for no apparent reason. This problem can affect both boys and girls. This kind of behavior is recognizable by age 8. Talk to your children and visit the school to see for yourself how your child in interacting with peers on a daily basis. Quite often children will not tell parents for fear of parents confronting and making the teasing worse. They must deal with this on a daily basis without parents present for protection. Children will shut down and become afraid of making things worse.

Parents should take this seriously, especially if a child is teasing and bullying or is the victim. Listen to what your child tells you. One good sign is a child who cries and begs to stay home from school or complains about other children at school.

Parents can talk with teachers and ask how their children are interacting with other children. Networking with other parents concerning children’s behavior is also good. If this kind of behavior is dealt with in grade school maybe we would not have many incidents of high school violence that is seen today.

Although nearly a third of students polled have heard threats made by another student, about 78% never reported it. Most did not take the threat seriously. (Data from a ABCNEWS/Washington Post poll)

Two percent of teens polled said that their school is not doing enough to prevent violence. More than 90% said that the school should monitor students who are potentially dangerous. (ABC News/WashingtonPost poll)

What do you think? Have you ever had to deal with your children being bullied or excessively teased? What did you do? What did you tell your child? Has a child of yours ever been accused of bullying? Were you teased or bullied as a child? Were you a bully?

Contributed by The Family Corner.com Magazine

Author: Carol Gann holds a Child Development Associate Certificate in Infant/Toddler. As well as being a mother of five, she is also a grandmother. Carol and her daughter, Robie Putman, started a new business, The Art Core

Why your child behaves at school (and not at home)…

Ron Huxley — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 13:56:18 +0000

: Image by dave_mcmt via Flickr

Why do some children misbehave at home and not other settings, like school? While the opposite situation might be true, where the child misbehaves at school and not home, let’s look at this common parenting frustration.

Teaching is a good definition of balanced discipline. In fact, the word discipline comes from the root word “disciplinare”, which means to teach or instruct. Most parents understand discipline as reducing inappropriate behaviors (punishment) instead of helping children achieve competence, self-control, self-direction, and social skills. Of course, all parents want this. But reinforcing appropriate behaviors seems like a luxury or fantasy when parents are having problems with their children. One reason for this may be the act of juggling work and family that so many contemporary parents find themselves performing. In this situation, only the most annoying or irritating behaviors are sure to get a parents attention. Children quickly learn that good behavior or even quiet, self-directed behavior rarely gets the attention of overloaded parents. Good behavior is one less thing a parent has to deal with while bad behavior guarantee parents attention. This is what educators and therapists call “negative attention” – a powerful reinforcer of children’s misbehavior.

So when parents say their child doesn’t misbehave in school, perhaps we should investigate the school/teaching model a little closer to see what frustrated parents can use when disciplining their children. Of course, as any teacher will admit, perfect behavior from children never occurs at school or anywhere else. But, let’s compare school behaviors to home discipline and ask a few questions.

Schools are learning environments. Discipline requires a learning environment characterized by positive, nurturing parent-child relationships. Is your home a learning environment or an entertainment center? Are their books, activities and private spaces for children?

Teachers use a curriculum. Discipline occurs when a plan or structure is in place for children. Do you know what you want to teach your children? What values or ideas do you want your children to believe? Is there a set time or routine for learning these things? Are you available to the child for help and instruction? Do you have materials available to educate you about topics you want to teach your children? Are there regular discussions about daily responsibilities, spiritual ideas, personal dreams, and problem areas?

Grades are used to evaluate a child’s progress in school. Discipline can be both an instruction and a measurement of children’s behavior. What grade would you give your child in hygiene, social ability, responsibility, etc.? What rewards (physical or verbal) are given for “A” grades? Are parent-child conferences held to discuss strengths and weaknesses and make a plan for improvement? Do children get regular feedback from parents on how they are doing at home?

Teachers are in charge of the classroom and model appropriate behavior. Discipline is most effective when parents remember that they are the leaders of the home and “practice what they preach.” Are you firm and consistent in your discipline with your children? Do you model appropriate behavior for your children? Do you give the things, to your children, that you ask for, from your children, such as respect? Do you say what you mean rather than threaten or bribe children? Do you have a list of rules posted where children can see them? Do you allow children to “raise their hands” and ask questions? Do you listen attentively to those questions and give an appropriate answer?

Children, in schools, are given opportunities to explore and understand the world and themselves. Discipline is about internal control and not just external control. Do you give your child choices that require him or her to think about consequence? Are children recognized for behaving in an appropriate manner? Are there any “field trips” that children go on to inspire, instruct, or experience appropriate behavior? Are children give opportunities to act in a responsible and trustworthy manner? Are children encouraged to help their siblings and work as teams? Are there any parties for celebrating hard work?

Classrooms have rules that children must follow. Are their assigned seats at the dinner table or car? Are there any rules about waiting, talking, and seeking help? Do children get to “line up first” or “pass out the snacks”
for exemplary behaviors? Are consequences given for inappropriate behaviors? Do children get warnings about misbehavior? Do children get to go to recess when they misbehave? Are the rules discussed with the
children, posted where everyone can see them, and frequently reviewed?

Schools have recesses, school holidays, and summer breaks. Discipline is about doing nothing as much as it is about doing something. Do you allow your child to make mistakes and decide difficult (but not dangerous) situations on their own? Are there healthy balances between fun and chores, rest and responsibilities, work-time and playtime? Do you allow your child to simply be a child? Are developmental expectations appropriate to the age and abilities of your child? Do you allow yourself to be off-duty by having other adults to watch over your children? Are plans made, in family meetings, for fun as a family? Is quality time a regular part of your time with your children?

While this may not cover all aspects of school routines or discipline practices, it does ask some very reflective questions. It is possible we missed the most basic reason for children’s different behaviors, namely, novel situations and conditional love. Novel situations refer to a phenomenon that affects a child’s behavior, for good, when in a new environment. A new environment is unpredictable and may require a child to be on his or her best behavior until the child learns what the rules and consequences are or what they can get away with. Home is often predictable. The child already knows what they can or cannot get away with.

Conditional love refers to the communication of worth a child will get from another individual based on their behavior. A teacher may only consider certain behaviors to be worthy of his or her love and care. At the root, this is a good strategy. It advocates reinforcing only positive behaviors and ignoring negative behavior. But the fruit of it can have devastating consequences for children’s self esteem. A child’s sense of self should never be based on conditions. A child is worthy of love, dignity, and worth regardless of what they do. Reinforcement and even approval can be placed on a child’s behavior to communicate what is appropriate or inappropriate. A child may not feel this conditional love at home, knowing that mom will always love him or her and so manipulate this to their advantage.

Take a few moments to review these questions. If you are one of those parents who have said, “My child never behaves this way at school?” maybe now, you can finally find out why, and be able to say your child behaves appropriately at home as well as school.

Parenting during the middle/school years

Ron Huxley — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 04:41:02 +0000

You won’t see many news reports on children between the ages of five to twelve. Hardly any magazines will do a cover story on a child’s early school years. And parents rarely complain about a child’s behavior at this stage of development.

The reason is that many people consider this time of childhood to be an idyllic time. When compared to the whirlwind preschool years and the turbulent teen years, the middle years are relatively calm. But don’t be
deceived. Children have significant challenges to face during the middle years. The outcome of those challenges will set the course of their mental,
emotional, social, and spiritual life.

The Five to Seven Shift

During the middle years, children will be expected to act more independently, performing daily responsibilities, such as dressing themselves or cleaning their room. These are acts previously done by their parents. In America, five and six year olds will enter educational
institutions, embarking on long educational journey toward adulthood. And developmentally, children now have the ability to perform concrete mental
actions, work together as a group or team, and possess a heightened moral awareness. Depending on how successful they are at these new skills and
responsibilities, children will develop a sense of industry and competence, if they do well, or feelings of inferiority, if they do not do well. This outcome will carry over into adolescence and adulthood, affecting later stages of development.

The Power of Peers

Another significant shift for children in the middle years is how and with whom they spend their time each day. Prior to this time, children spent their time primarily with their parents involved in playful activities. Now
children will spend their day interacting with peers and concentrate on schoolwork.

On a positive note, most children are developmentally ready for this level of peer involvement. Of course, it is still a major adjustment and even the most extroverted child may suffer feelings of stress. On a negative note,
parents worry about the quality of these new influences. Children frequently ask questions about sexuality, violence, and other adult subjects that they never knew existed. What kind of harm does this type of “premature
maturity” have on children? Emotionally it can damage a child’s self-esteem, create unnecessary fears and worries, and distort sexual identity. Socially,
it may lead to withdrawal or aggression. And physically, it may result in somatic complaints, such as, headaches or stomach aches.

Parents can intervene on behalf of their children by talking to teachers or other parents about concerns they might have. They can role model and discuss healthy, moral behavior. They can remove children from an unhealthy environment if all other interventions fail and find healthier settings for children to socialize.

Home: The Emotional Refuge

As children in the middle years become more independent and teachers and peers become more influential, parents may interpreted this to mean that
they are not needed. Just the opposite is true. Because of the challenges that children in the middle years face, they will need parents and the emotional refuge of the home more than ever.

The home is the place where children can share their successes and failures. At times, the home becomes the dumping ground for the painful experiences of
children, with parents the primary targets. Parents often believe that they are doing something wrong or that the child is out of control, when in fact, the child is simply venting their frustrations in the safest place they know
– the home. In addition, children in the middle years realize that their parents are not gods. They discover that parents are fallible and unable to meet all of their needs. This disillusionment may rationalize the use of
parents as targets of their frustrations.

Although parents are no longer on a holy pedestal, parents continue to be important models on gender roles, social behavior, and moral conduct. While
children may vent at their parents, they are also looking to them for answers on how to act and think. Parents also need to reassure and encourage children in the new challenges they must face. Emphasis needs to
be placed on individual effort and not just end result. This will allow the child to feel successful because they tried regardless of the outcome.

Balancing Love and Limits in the Middle Years

Research has proven that parents who balance love and limits, in their parenting styles, will have children who are more self-reliant, better able to control their impulses, and feel happier and more confident. Love and limits are the two essential dimensions of parenting, needed at every step of development. High levels of affection and parental warmth combined with
firm, consistent structure, produce children who are better able to master the challenges of the middle years.

Parents who provide high levels of warmth but not consistent limits have a permissive style of parenting. This style makes few demands on children or
allows children to negotiate their own rules. While children during the middle years may be more independent, they still need parents to set limits
on their behaviors. Some discussion is acceptable and healthy. Too much discussion and children begin to control the parents rather than the other
way around.

Parents who provide high levels of structure but low levels of warmth or interaction have an authoritarian style of parenting. This style place value on obedience and respect. Verbal give-and-take is interpreted as
defiance and not tolerated. Children often feel resentful and angry under this style of parenting taking their feelings out on younger siblings or friends.

Parents learn their styles of parenting from their own parents and have no choice but to repeat these same styles unless new learning takes place. Parents can adopt a more balanced style of parenting, with high love and high limits, by taking a parenting class or joining a parenting support group.

The middle years, far from being an idyllic time, requires children to begin the long trek toward adulthood. Fortunately, it is only the beginning of that journey and not the final destination. Children will have plenty of
time to enjoy the scenery of childhood and stop along the way to rest and play. Parents, who are walking along side, can role model and guide their
children on how to be healthy human beings and not merely an adult. Along the way, parents might remember a little of the joys and frustrations of
their own childhood, as they pace their children’s movement through the middle years.

How do you prepare for homework hassles?

Ron Huxley — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 05:02:00 +0000

: Image by Cayusa via Flickr

Although my kids are adults now, I remember how frustrating getting them to do their homework was…it caused me some anxiety at the beginning of the school year. Having a plan can help parents have a better school year!

Children do not naturally know how to organize their time and energy to do their homework. Here are some homework helper tips to teach children how to improve their study skills:
1. Don’t label your child as lazy or unmotivated.

2. Look for any underlying medical problems or learning
disabilities that make studying difficult.

3. Create a quiet place for your child to study free of distractions.

4. Make sure that your child has all the necessary
supplies, such as paper and pencils, before he starts.

5. Schedule homework times for the same time every weekday.

6. Break up the homework routine with small breaks for
snacks or quick exercise.

7. Reward your child frequently for their effort throughout the homework time AND for finishing it each day.

What is your attachment style?

Ron Huxley — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 13:46:25 +0000

Everyone has one according to theorist like John Bolwby, Mary Ainsworth and even Sigmund Freud. If your attachment was a strong one with your caregiver you will have better communication skills, more satisfying relationships and be a better equipped parent. Attachment is probably best demonstrated in a the behavior of the 1 to 2 year old child with separation anxiety being a classic example. Children who have been abused show very “insecure” attachments. Parents who have had this type of childhood will find parenting more difficult than others.

clipped from psychology.about.com

Characteristics of Attachment

Attachment is a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure.

Characteristics of Attachment

Proximity Maintenance – The desire to be near the people we are attached to.

Safe Haven – Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.

Secure Base – The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.

Separation Distress – Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

The ‘Strange Situation’: Window on a Child’s Past and Future – PsyBlog (spring.org.uk)
Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.: PBS’s ‘This Emotional Life’: This Interconnected Life — A Mother’s Day Gift for Everyone (huffingtonpost.com)
Attachment Security (psychologytoday.com)

Have you blessed your children?

Ron Huxley — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 14:30:16 +0000

This post is part of my sporadic ”mystic parenting” series that tries to color outside the lines of everyday parenting education. It comes as a result of my daily meditations and experiences. Today’s post comes as a result of reflecting on the frustrations felt by parents towards their children. Most parents, myself included, take our frustrations OUT on the child. We believe the anger myth that venting is healthy. It isn’t.

The words that come out of our mouth affect the hearts and characters of our children. What we say has long-term power over others. We have forms walls around ourselves over time to protect ourselves from the words of others. The old saying: “Sticks and Stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me” is a fallacy. Words hurt and words can heal.

As parents, we can’t neglect one of the most misunderstood power tools of parenting: what you say means something. Granted, one positive comment or word of praise for a chore well done will not necessarily turn the head of a spiteful teenager. Likewise, one word spoken in anger and frustration won’t necessarily result in a child needed psychotherapy for the rest of their life either. It is the accumulation of words, spoken over time that have the most powerful effect.

I will admit, I have had to ask forgiveness for words I have said to my children out of anger. That itself can be a powerful model of resolving conflict and repairing relationship by the parent. That can offer a solution for the child in everyday conflicts on the playground and later in the workplace. How many parents do you know that will admit a mistake to their child?

The point of this blog post is to encourage parents to consciously bless their children every day. Take time (take a deep breath) and think about something positive about your child. Share that thing with the child over cereal in the morning or in the car on the way to school. Think “deeper” about the character traits of your child. Praising the behaviors is great. What we pay attention to as parents will increase in children. That is a great truth in itself but think deeper about who your child is becoming and call that out. Recognize a gentle spirit with others. Bless them with reflections on their confidence or responsibility. They want to hear it. They need to hear it.

I know parents can get stumped about what character traits to bless. This is often a lack of vocabulary and not willingness to try. To help here is a list of character traits and positive habits (listed in an A-Z format) that a parent can use with their child:

Adaptibility

Alertness

Cheerfulness

Confidence

Curiosity

Decisiveness

Dedication

Enthusiasm

Excellence

Fairness

Friendliness

Honesty

Humility

Imagination

Initiative

Joyfulness

Judgement (good choices)

Kindness

Knowledgeable

Leadership

Loyalty

Management

Maturity

Orderliness

Obediance

Peacemaker

Punctuality

Quietness

Quality

Responsible

Relaxed

Self-aware

Sweetness

Teamwork

Thriftiness

Understanding

Unbiased

Value-conscious

Variety

Wisdom

Welcoming

eXact

eXalting

Yielding

Yourself (as in being…)

Zany

Zealous

Granted I cheated on the list a bit when covering the last few letters but they were tough ones! Blessing our children can be tough for some parents too. A list is not the only hindrance. Many parents didn’t grow up with many blessings and find it hard to bless others. Living as a child under constant criticism and negativity can make it challenging to speak positive words of others. This is my point. Don’t make the same mistake with your child that may have been made with you.

I would love feedback from parents on this post. Share some other blessing words and add to the list above. Tell me your stories of how blessing a child has made a difference. What keeps you from blessings your child? Is it easy for you or hard? Leave your responses by clicking the comment link below.

Bless you!

Parents Bill of Rights

Ron Huxley — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 05:59:36 +0000

As parents, it may seem that we have no rights. Everything is dictated to us by experts or we feel that society judges our every move. Children make demands – even threats – at parents if they don’t get their way. Conflictual couples blame one another for the mistakes made by the children. This leaves parents feeling powerless and helpless. It is time for parents to stand up and declare their right to a happy and healthy life.

Do you agree with these list of rights? What additional rights should be added to the list? Leave a comment below with your thoughts and suggestions.

1. I have a right to my own space and time.
2. I have a right to say no to my child to what I feel is wrong, unsafe, or inappropriate.
3. I have a right to express my feelings – positive or negative – in an assertive manner.
4. I have a right to change my mind and let my child know why I have done so.
5. I have a right to make mistakes and do not have to be perfect.
6. I have a right to follow my personal and spiritual values and beliefs and apply them to my family.
7. I have a right to decide what are the highest priorities for myself and my family.
8. I have a right not to be responsible for the thoughts, feelings, and actions of my children and
my spouse.
9. I have a right to expect other family members to be honest and respectful.
10. I have a right to feel angry at someone I love without feeling like a “bad” parent.
11. I have a right to be myself and not try to live up to other parents ideals.
12. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
13. I have a right to play with my children or just play.
14. I have the right to feel safe and be in environments that make me feel safe.
15. I have a right to have friends and spend time with them.
16. I have a right to change over time and grow.
17. I have a right to ask for what I want and need from my family and others.
18. I have the right to be happy.

Knowing the difference between your child’s “wants” and “wishes”

Ron Huxley — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:34:34 +0000

Parenting is a lot of work in the best of situations. Unfortunately, the media does not make it easier on mom’s and dad’s. Kids are bombarded with “buy me” messages. Parents, trying to live frugally, are faced with their child’s demands for expensive toys and clothes. To help, here are two parenting tools that will keep the “gimmes” to a minimum:

Wants List is a parenting tool that keeps a lid on children’s endless list of wants. A child’s want of a new bike, toy, or clothes item is, in itself, not wrong. Everyone has things they would like to have. But when these wants get out of control, parents need to limit their children’s excessive cravings. The demand for things often increases between the ages of 7 to 10. This is due developmentally to the cognitive changes in a child that allows them to be more aware of other circumstances that are different from their own. The result is often alot of comparisons between what one does and does not have compared to other children.

One way of dealing with these demands is to ignore them. Viewing a child’s wants as a cognitive exercise of comparisons and not feeling the need to respond to these cravings is one way that parents can cope with a child’s wants. Another way of dealing with a child’s wants is to make a family “want list.” This tool allows wants to be expressed openly without any feeling by the parent to fulfill them all. Whenever a child states that they simply “must have the hot, new computer game” or the “colorful, new doll” have the child write the thing on the want list and place it where everyone can see it, like on the refrigerator. Instead of reacting to a child’s demands, the parent can redirect the child to “Go, write it down on the want list.” Parents can put things down on the want list too. This demonstrates that parents often make do without things they want as well. Use the want list as next years birthday or Christmas list but don’t be surprised if the child no longer wants those items anymore.

Wishes are a parenting talk tool that acknowledges children’s wants without giving into their demands. Everyone has needs, wants, and desires. For example, hunger is a need, a turkey sandwich is a want, and a full turkey dinner with all the trimmings is a desire. Let’s face it, most parents cannot give their child all of their wants all of the time. Even if they could, it would probably be a bad idea. Unfortunately, children may have to settle for getting a need filled instead of a want or a desire. Using the food example, the child may have to settle for the turkey sandwich or whatever leftovers are left in the refrigerator instead of the full turkey dinner.

Wishes are unique in that they acknowledge a child’s desires as healthy and valid even when they can not have them. For example, a child who desires to have a pair of two hundred-dollar tennis shoes may have to settle for a less expensive pair. When children realize they cannot have the expensive shoes they often sulk, tantrum, or become verbally abusive to their parent who “never does anything nice for them.” To avoid this power struggle, parents can state, “Wow! Those are great looking shoes. And wouldn’t it really impress your friends when you show up at school with those shoes. I bet you could jump at least 8 feet straight up in the air with those shoes. But unfortunately I only can afford those shoes over there. Which one of those shoes would you like?” Another example would be in the situation where a parent and a child are on a trip and the child begins whining for something to drink and nothing is available for miles. The parents might use this tool to fantasize what it would be like to drink a tall, cold, thirst-quenching, sparkling, glass of soda. The parent can use humor as a parenting tool here. The actual desire can be met now in fantasy and later when they get near a store.

Regardless of the reasons, divorce hurts! Any separation between two connected people will cause emotional wounding when pulled apart. Like any wound, the traumatized area must be cleaned and cared for if healing is going to be possible. The more dirt slung between divorced parents, through verbal and physical fights or nasty legal battles, the more infection in the relationship between parent and child will develop.

Jonathan’s father moved across the country because of a great job offer…or at least, that was what he told everyone. The job was great but the real reason was that he couldn’t get along with Jonathan’s mother and he just needed to leave and start over again. Unfortunately, that left Jonathan behind.

“In retrospect, I would have stayed, regardless of the situation,” admits Jonathan’s father. “At the time, the hurt was too much to stand. I didn’t want the divorce and his mother’s new boyfriend was just salt in the wound. Rather that continue to argue and waste money on lawyers, I decided to leave.”

Parents who have a long-distance relationship must address the wounds of divorce. Cleaning out a wound is painful but necessary. Similarly, letting go of old hurts and memories is important for healing and growth. Jonathan relates that his first summer with his dad in his new home was fun: “We went out to eat, the movies, miniature golf, and then my dad started pumping me for information on my mom and her boyfriend. I just wanted to be with my dad.”

When parents do not deal with their own issues, children suffer all over again and their own wounds are not allowed to heal. Summer time parents need to take care of themselves, throughout the entire year, so that they can enjoy the time with their children. Parents can do this by consulting with a professional, developing a strong network of friends, exercising regularly and eating right.

Reassurances and Permissions

Major changes are frightening to young children. The loss of a parent creates fears of loss of food and shelter, being forgotten, attacked, punished, or unloved. While this might seem irrational to a parent, it is a real concern for the child. Children need reassurances that these things will continue to be in his or her life and most importantly, that they are loved. Don’t make promises that things will go back to the way they were or be just as good. That is one promise parents can’t deliver and it breaks down a child’s trust. Simply offer a verbal hug of hopefulness that the future will be secure and safe.

In addition to the reassurances, children often need permission to let go of the guilt that attaches itself to living with the school year parents and visiting the summer parent. Both parents need to tell the child that it is okay that they are going. Be honest about missing the child but save the wailing and cloth ripping to another time and place.

Permission giving helps to untangle the loyalty binds that children get caught up in after divorce. Don’t ask a lot of questions about the other parent and their life back home. If the child wants to talk about, fine. But don’t start and investigation and definitely, keep your opinion of the other parents life to yourself. Children feel they are disloyal to one parent by staying with and loving another parent. This problem is rooted in the concrete thinking styles of school-age children. It is a developmental issue that can’t be exorcised and must be adjusted to.

Creative communication

The key to being a successful summer parent is regular communication during the other months of the year. Because it is difficult for the parent who moves away to watch the child grow up, predictable and consistent communication in the form of phone calls, letters, postcards, email, photos, and tape recordings. Too many parents spend their time on the phone or in letters mourning the time they are apart or how much they miss the child. This retraumatizes the child and makes the parent look pathetic. If it has to be said, say it one time and move on. Focus the intercourse on what is going on in your and your child’s life. Make plans for the upcoming visit and discussing emotional issues important to the child. Stay away from morbid meanderings.

Make the communications short and newsworthy. One page letter talking about how the dog ate your favorite shoe or describing a beautiful sunset will make a better connection between parent and child than a long, boring letter that lists every detail of the week. Email is also a great way to communicate as the medium itself is geared toward brief, informal notes. And the instantaneous nature of the format makes frequent communication practical.

Try alternative mediums. If the parent or the child is not a “letter writer” try using a tape recording. Buy a compact recorder and walk around for a day recording various activities and thoughts. Capture the sounds of the dog eating your shoe or describe the sunset as you look out the back window. Another idea is to buy a Polaroid camera and take picture of the new house and neighborhood as send those (by email or snail mail) to the child. Alternative forms of communication can add a little more color and life to dry words on paper and bring the child and parent closer together emotionally.

If you like really creative ideas, create a project or play a game across the time zones. Read a sport article or watch a favorite television program and then discuss it later on the phone or by (e)mail. Keep separate journals that are exchanged during the visits. Create an online web page with both parent and child as co-webmasters. Play a game of checkers (with two sets) and give the moves to each other during your communications. Make up a “sharing box” where you put mementos and little treasures for the other person to look at and discuss when together. Start a garden or acquire an aquarium and get advice on what to plant and how to care for the fish from the other person. Creative ideas, such as these, foster family solidarity despite time and place. It makes the relationship feel real and alive and that is important to parent and child.

School connections

Summer parents feel out of touch when it comes to the child’s life at school. Request to be put on the school’s mailing list or give the child’s teacher an email address to update the distant parent on activities and progress. Many schools and teachers have web sites set up so parents can view their child’s itinerary and grades. Knowing what is going on at the child’s school allows parents to ask intelligent questions to the child about upcoming field trips and school projects. The child will also feel that the parent cares about him or her. Parents can make similar connections with doctors, therapists, and coaches.

Jonathan and his father still miss each other but their relationship has blossomed despite the distance. They are routing for the same baseball team and are working on a go-cart that Jonathan and his new siblings will race during the summer at a track near the father’s house. “I started taking pictures of the engine as I dismantled it and I scan and send them out each week by email to Jonathan. He told me last night that he has started a scrapbook with all the pictures in them. When he gets here, the go-cart should be all put together and we can paint it together,” explains his father.

Geography doesn’t have to separate parents and children emotionally. Summer-time parents can keep the relationship alive during the school year so that they look forward to being together and can pick up where they left off. “Jonathan has an excitement in his voice when we talk about our time together. That is the biggest gift I could ever receive!”

Ron Huxley's ParentingToolbox.com

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