I am not trying to be sarcastic with that post title. I really do mean: “so what…” as in so what are we going to do about it or so what does that mean that he or she is being manipulative? All behavior is communication. It is the parents job to decipher that communication regardless of the age of the child. You may have noticed that teens don’t necessarily have a better ability to communicate their needs and wants than do two-year old’s.
As a parent educator and family therapist, I hear a lot of parenting complaints about the manipulativeness of their children. The complaints are offered up in a state of minor crisis and heavy frustration. There is a feeling of helplessness about the parent. As a parent of four children, I do understand.
That doesn’t stop us from finding a solution to the problem by gaining a better insight into the motivation of the problem. Most parents and many parenting gurus will suggest you return fire with a greater show of force (i.e., rewards and punishments). This has short-term effectiveness at best. How long can a parent keep “upping the ante” on a child before they no longer care or out play us in the manipulation game. At some point, the child will be too big, too smart, too aggressive to be controlled through rewards and punishments. The other problem is that the manipulation game is just that: a game. There can be great intrinsic reward at fighting with and out thinking a larger, more powerful parent.
The key to long-term effectiveness and greater satisfaction in parenting is to ask ourselves “why” a child is being manipulative. Why is your son defiant? Why is your daughter lying? If we use this “so what” strategy we will put ourselves on the right track to finding a true solution to the problem. When parents state that their child is “manipulative” they appear to be referring to the personality of the child and not the behavior that is being used by the child to gain something they want or avoid getting something they don’t want. A person is not a problem, the problem is the problem. Getting those two things confused make finding a solution to the problem challenging if not impossible.
If a parent believes that their child is a “monster” in some way, acting like an antisocial deviant or taking secret pleasure in manipulating their parents, then the only logical reaction from the parents would be fight or flight. Fight the monster and show it who is boss or flee from it out of shame and defeat. On the other hand, if the parent can see that they child is trying to communicate some underlying need or desire, expressed in an inappropriate way, then the parent can react with greater sophistication.
A useful exercise is to play the role of detective over the unsolved mystery of manipulative behaviors. Take 15 minutes at the end of each day to review the problems that presented themselves. If there is another willing parent/detective, brainstorm possible motivations for the child’s negative behaviors. What occurred just before the behavior? What was different about this situation, people, responses that happened simultaneously around the behavior? These questions will give clues to lead into a useful “so what” strategy to solve the crime in the future.
Here are a few of my parenting educator/therapist shortcuts when helping parents with “problem behaviors”:
1. 80% of all misbehavior is predictable. If a behavior occurred yesterday, it is 80% likely it will occur tomorrow as well. And the next day, etc. Because it is predictable, it is easier to find clues to what is driving the behavior and finding an alternative. If you drove to work every day and hit a pot hole in the road, you would quickly learn to go around the pot hole or have someone fill it up. Do the same with children. Don’t keep falling into the same manipulation hole.
2. 80% of all misbehavior is attention-seeking. I know many parents use the words “attention-seeking” as equal to manipulation, like they are both bad things. They aren’t. Most misbehavior can be corrected with a little more parental supervision and interaction. Turn off the TV, put down the magazine, stop running around cleaning things and just give the child some attention. Amazingly, the behavior will be gone in no time. No unmet needs – no manipulation – no problem.
3. 80% of all misbehavior is due to lack of structure and consistency. Children need a regular bedtime, morning routine, play times, etc. They also need consistent, age-appropriate discipline. Don’t wait until the child gets up the tenth time from bed to ask for a drink of water to go into a rage. Get the water ahead of time and put it by the bed or follow through on the consequence after one warning. See shortcut #1. Post the days schedule right next to the household rules on the refrigerator or somewhere prominent. When the child starts to manipulate, go look at the schedule and rule list and restate it. No arguing necessary.
4. 80% of children’s misbehavior was role-modeled by another person. This could be another child at preschool but more likely it is from misbehavior by mom or dad. We all make mistakes. I have made my share of them but we learn from our mistakes just like children will learn from theirs. Just as all behavior is communication, all behavior is learned. If they learn how to be manipulative then can learn new ways to get their need andwants met. First, parents must take responsibility for what they are modeling if they want children to behave in a like manner.
I realize that this is easier said than done. Some practice is necessary to establish new habits on the part of parent and chidl. All the negative, secondary attention-getting behaviors will have to fade away in place on new, more consistent ones. Children will fall back into old habits that have worked time and time again until the new learning takes root. Fortunately, it is worth the effort.
Next time your child is being manipulative, ask yourself “so what” does this mean and how am I going to respond instead of react.
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Rather than fall into the same old unsuccessfull patterns, or bad habit of our own parents it is best to constantly be striving to develop new and better parenting skills. There is no magic bullet answer for all kids. Everybody responds differently to different approaches.
Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child at http://www.brianknows.com for more thoughts.
Brian, Thanks for your comments. You are right that there is no magic bullet but there are general principles that can aid parents. Too many approaches focus on the "management" of child and not in the "relationship" aspect.