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Q: Dear Ron
I have a 15-year-old son who has always lived with his mother except for last year when he lived with me. His mother had moved away four years ago, and last year he decided he wanted to be with his brother and his roots. His mother moved back last summer, and he went back to living with her. In the year he lived with me, he almost never missed school, and had grades good enough to be accepted into advanced placement classes in High School. Since going back to his mother, he has been put on both Prozac (which she is on) and Trazodone by a Family Physician, though he has never seen a Psychologist or Psychiatrist. His mother says he has depression, though the Dr.’s. Diagnosis is “fatigue.” He was put on scholastic probation in the fall, and in the spring semester missed 21 of the first 24 days of school and lost all credit. His mother says it is all for “illness,” though she and he hid it from me, and finally admitted to me in one phone conversation that it was due to his depression. Himself then put him in a special program for kids with attendance problems where he works all afternoon on a computer, and for this he will get partial credit for the semester. I only found out about the problems at school very recently. He and his mother conspired to hide it from me, and I only found out the truth when I called the school. In addition, he has no friends his own age. Instead, he is hanging out–at his own home–with his older brother’s old High School friends–who are 19 to 21 years old, even though his older brother is away at college, and at this point is not even allowed at his mother’s house. I know for a fact most of these kids smoke pot and am fairly sure that he is smoking with them. He does not have regular hours, often staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning (his special school starts at 1 p.m.), and he sometimes left home alone all night, i.e., his mother spends the night out.
I have filed for custody even though he has lived with his mother all but one year (we were divorced when he was four). I am concerned that to pull him away from his mother might do more harm than good, though our relationship was good the one year he lived me. And I am very, very concerned that his life is being ruined by my ex-wife, who has never believed in any sort of rules or discipline with children.
My two questions are, does his combination of medications make sense for a mildly depressed teenager who has not come close to committing suicide (as far as I can tell), and do you think it is reasonable for me to try to change his life, knowing that the separation from his mother would be painful. I should note he has refused to visit me since I filed a month ago, and she will not force him to see me.
Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Divorced Dad’s Dilemma
A: Dear Divorced Dad’s Dilemma,
This is a complex situation that will require professional help if you are going to get it adequately resolved. I would urge you to consult with an attorney on the legal issues regarding your son and your custody. I know that you stated you have filed for custody but that doesn’t always mean you got good advice on your rights. For example, you may have legal custody, which is separate from physical custody and have a right to say “no” to the medications and any treatment. If you do not have any physical or custody rights, you may be headed for a long and messy legal battle. No matter what the outcome, a long battle will hurt everyone, especially your son. Seek out a mediator who specializes in these types of disputes. This may prove cheaper and more fruitful, in the long run. Many mediators work with therapists or are trained clinicians and can understand the underlying emotional issues. And, if he is involved with drugs, urge the mother to place him in a rehabilitation program. This may be the real cause of his “fatigue” and “depression.”
If your son is truly in a dangerous situation and you continue to feel he is being neglected and/or abused, then the best course of action is the legal one. But, if you are not positive, I would seriously reconsider this course of action. It is obvious that you want the best for your son and are willing to put aside your feelings regarding the mother if it means helping your son. She may not be a perfect parent but she has been the constant object in your son’s life and to change that now could create unnecessary pain for your son. If you decide to take this alternative route focus on building a strong father-son relationship.
Blessings,
Ron
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